My spouse Jess and I have a habit of going on long walks together. We chat about all sorts of things, but we always circle back to our family's favorite question: "What have you been thinking about?" It's a simple question, but surprisingly tough to answer sometimes.
Jess is our resident people person. She spends a lot of time pondering her relationships - with our kids, my parents, her parents, friends, community, you name it. And as if that wasn't enough, she also thinks about how all these people relate to each other.
Me? I'm usually juggling thoughts between what I'm currently learning and my career. And if there's a third category, it's probably how I can use my new knowledge to boost my career!
But what we think about isn't really the point here. What's interesting is how long it takes us to figure out what we've been thinking about.
Our walks can last two to three hours. About half of that time is spent on small talk - catching up on the kids' latest antics, planning dinner, that sort of thing. The other half? That's when we really start digging into our thoughts.
For about an hour or so, we're actively processing. And let me tell you, half of that processing time is just a stream of consciousness. We're talking random feelings, desires, fears, observations, critiques, frustrations - you name it, it's coming out.
When we first start, it barely makes sense. It's like we're dumping a pile of raw material on the ground, straight out of our heads. We look at it together and think, "Huh... what are we supposed to do with all this stuff?
In our house, we have a name for this mental mess: The Sock Pile. Imagine each sock represents a bit of a feeling, or part of a thought, a fraction of a desire. They're all different - some light blue with white cloud patterns, others plain black, depending on what that sock represents.
After we've created this mountainous sock pile, we start sorting. Dark feelings go with dark feelings, business fears with other business fears, hopes and dreams for our kids' future... well, you get the idea.
The goal? To get out of that hazy mental maze and start tidying things up. But here's the catch - it takes work. Real work.
Now, I hate doing laundry. I'd rather buy new clothes constantly than do laundry. Heck, I'd subscribe to a disposable clothing service if it existed. I just can't stand that kind of work.
We all have that type of work we despise, the kind we'd rather eat glass than do. But as Gramma says, "Eat your dinner if you want dessert."
And let me tell you, sorting the sock pile is hard work. It's mind-boggling how tiny and numerous our feelings, thoughts, and urges can be. Going through them, sock by sock, and organizing them clearly is no small feat.
But that's my point: thinking through our inner lives is hard work. Which is crazy, right? I mean, it's our mind - we've lived every second of our own lives. Shouldn't we instantly know what we think, feel, and want in a clear and tidy way?
Turns out, nope.
Instead, we're this disorganized, clumpy brain dump that whirls around, getting on everyone and everything nearby. We open our mouths, start to talk, and what comes out is an absolute mess. A verbal junkyard.
Being able to neatly express what we want, feel, and think is the result of hard work. It means we've put in the effort to gather our brain dump, label and inventory the different items, organize them into categories, build our thoughts, and then say something that actually makes sense.
This is what Jess and I like to do as a hobby. We ask, "What have you been thinking?" to start generating the brain dump. Then, together, we pick through things, see what's there, and get to work building our thoughts. And when we're done, we feel accomplished that we now know what we're actually thinking! Sounds silly, but it's true.
After years of doing this, we're starting to get pretty good at it.
We now spot familiar patterns. We recognize those hideous fuchsia socks that inevitably pop up. Wash that pair of past shame-socks that like to stink up the place.
Thinking through our thoughts takes a surprising amount of work, and like how I feel about laundry, a lot of people don't like doing it. I don't really blame them. It's easier to avoid going through your thoughts and feelings. But the consequences are dire.
Like how my aversion to laundry makes me wish for a disposable clothing service. People who avoid "sorting the sock pile" wish for a disposable thought service.
Instead of taking care of your own mind, you rely on others who have organized their thoughts, feelings, and desires to tell you what to think, feel, and want. And that is a brain you do not want to live in.